Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Jodie, Can't You See

Please enjoy a dramatic reading of Britney Spears’ “Toxic,” which if I am being totally honest with myself and the universe is my favorite Britney song of all time and I still sometimes like to jam out to. Do kids today still jam out to stuff? Anyway, here is Jodie Foster doing a deadpan reading of “Toxic.” I kind of wish they’d just let her stony-face emote solo because – as much as I think Priyanka Chopra is great – she is basically just singing the song straight-up karaoke style. But then, as you know, I’ve always had a thing for Jodie Foster. So I will take all of her and her bemused crystal-blue eyes that I can get.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Monday, August 22, 2016

Cate Attack

You know sometimes how you come back to work after a weekend of blissfully not working and things start out great and then quickly it all goes wrong? That’s kind of like what I felt watching this Massive Attack video. At first it was like getting back to you desk, sinking into the seat and saying, “Right, good, I know how to do this.” Of course, how could you not enjoy this? It’s Cate Blanchett’s beautiful face. And then you log on and your network password has to be reset because your company makes you change your system password like once every three damn days. Fine, so something looks a little weird with Cate’s face. But, no biggie. Wasn’t she just the dreamiest in “Carol.” Now you’re just staring into space and thinking about “Carol” for 20 minutes. Oh, right, back to reality. Jesus, what’s happening now? You’ve been locked out of the system and need to call tech support. What is this happening to her face? Is that even her face? I’m scared guys, really, I’m scared. And finally, boom, it’s the blue screen of death and the back of your terminal is smoking. Dammit, see, this is why we can’t have nice things. Why a person would a person ever do this to Cate’s face? Why? Why? WHY DID I EVEN GET OUT OF BED? I COULD HAVE JUST CALLED IN SICK AND WATCHED “CAROL” AGAIN. And that’s how I feel about this video.

p.s. On the plus side, it was actually lovely to hear Hope Sandoval (you know, the “Fade Into You” girl from Mazzy Star) again.

Friday, August 19, 2016

My Weekend Scream

The yell. The primal scream. The full-throated roar. The joyous exaltation into the supertemporal maw of existence. There’s something so fundamentally human about yelling – like all-out, top-of-one’s-lungs, ear-splitting yelling. And when it’s done from a place of deep exertion, enjoyment, encouragement, well – there’s nothing else like it. One of the things I love most about watching the Olympics is it is one of the few places where men’s and women’s sports are treated equally – or at least more equally. Men and women both earn medals, men and women both reach the pinnacles of their sports, men and women both bring glory home for their countries. A gold medal is a gold medal is a gold medal. And the thrill of victory, that has no gender. The Olympics – and sports in general – is also one of the few places women are allowed to scream their damn heads off. To be heard. To be celebrated. To be fucking loud. So here is an ode one of the most primordial and satisfying ways of expressing ourselves. Scream it out, scream it proud, ladies. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

SGALGG: Olympics Edition

I’m sorry, did you want me to post about something other than the Olympics during these scant two weeks that only happens once every four years? Sorry, too bad. That’s clearly not happening. You also probably should have guessed that a SGALGG Olympics Edition was coming. Because of the record number of out athletes (both national and lots and lots of international), I will temporarily rename this Sporty Gals Acting Like Gay Gals instead of “Straight.” Indeed it seems SGALGG is epidemic across seemingly all sports. So please enjoy all these hugs – with and without their legs – in “friendship.” All I do is present the evidence. You decide.

p.s. And yes, that’s Team Sweden celebration after beating the U.S. women. I’m still not over it. But, sniffle, congrats Sweden.

Kayak

Gold medal winner Maialen Chourraut of Spain and bronze medal winner Jessica Fox of Australia congratulate each other/begin a make-out session.

Canoe

Apparently, make-out sessions in boats is an Olympic thing.

Beach Volleyball

Yes, I know I complained about their skimpy outfits. But I never said we couldn’t appreciate them.

Rugby

Already, it is my new favorite Olympic women’s sport. And they also appear to be pretty good at square dancing.

Basketball

Oh, to be the ham in that long, tall sandwich.

Soccer

Multi-level hugs are where it’s at.

Field Hockey

Not to be outdone, field hockey has group hugs…


…and clothes-line hugs…


…and, my personal favorite, butt hugs.

Rowing

Rowers prefer slow dancing.

Handball

More like handsy ball, amirite?

Boxing

Come on, ladies. Kiss and make up.

Pairs Rowing

See, that’s how it’s done.

Bonus SGALGG:

You guys, YOU GUYS. You probably already know all about the great sportswoman moment between US runner Abbey D’Agostino and New Zealand runner Nikki Hamblin that happened in the 5,000-meter heat the other day. The Olympic spirit is indeed alive and very well in these two. But did you know that, in my mind, this is the beginning to the greatest meet-cute story every told? In my version their inevitable love story gets turned into an adorable rom-com and we all see it in the theaters 20 times and then buy the movie so we can rewatch whenever we are feeling a little blue while saying every line along as it plays to swoon one more time. Yeah, it’s like that. But, really – after seeing these photos – can you blame me?

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

FU, too!

One of the things – one of the many, many things – that bugs me about American Olympic coverage on TV is how fixated NBC get on certain narratives and how unwilling they are to deviate from their preconceived notions of what will make a “good” story. That mindset gave us endless – and I mean E-N-D-L-E-S-S shots of Michael Phelps and his fiancée and their baby. We get it – a man can be the so-called best Olympian ever and have a super hot fiancée and have a baby who wears noise-cancelling headphones all at the same time. Amazing! We also got to watch every single one of his medal ceremonies in primetimes, but somehow Simone Manuel’s historic (and tear-filled – there’s something in all our eyes, shut up) ceremony only gets shown as an afterthought hours later.

It’s also why sports where America doesn’t excel often get short shrift in coverage. Want to watch badminton? Archery? Kayak? Women’s weightlifting? Good luck finding them. I hope you have a ton of room on your DVR so you can fast-forward through endless hours of men’s volleyball, men’s water polo and every damn heat of swimming/track possible to find a couple minutes squeezed in between of the neat, weirdo sports.

In the same vein, our home team focus means we often ignore great international stories. Like NBC didn’t even mention the first marriage proposal of the Olympic Games (you know, the adorable Brazilian ladies). Nor did they air anything about 100 meter backstroke Olympic medalist and new Internet darling Fu Yuanhui. Which leads me to the point in this long, winding gripe.

Fu Yuanhui is someone I would never know about if it wasn’t for The Internets. She is a Chinese swimmer and backstroke specialist and – based on all empirical evidence available – a most delightful goofball. After doing well in her 100m backstroke semi-final, the swimmer gave the most wonderfully effusive interview. Like, it’s such a delight. Please watch this three times in a row and then we’ll chat about it.



I know. I know!

And now, watch how she reacts after the 100m backstroke finals. She gets out of the water to do her interview and doesn’t realize she has tied for third and gotten a bronze medal. Side note: Can someone get her some prescription goggles? I think she can’t see the scoreboard.



And then after her team placed fourth in the 100m medley relay, she confessed to interviewers that perhaps she didn’t swim her very best because she was on her period. And it made news because – gasp, shock – did you know female athletes sometimes get their periods? Yeah. Who knew.



Anyway. When an athlete, regardless of her country, is so charismatic, unfiltered and just plain fun, it seems crazy to not share her with the world. So enjoy.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Tank Top Tuesday: Olympics Edition

Please, like we weren’t going to have a Tank Top Tuesday during the Olympics. While, I still don’t agree – which is different than appreciate – that the women’s beach volleyball players have to wear pretty much bikinis while the dudes get to play in tank tops and loose shorts, overall I can’t complain too much about Olympic uniforms this year. Except, of course, for those Team USA Opening Ceremony outfits with the ridiculously huge and tacky Ralph Lauren polo pony logo. That’s just U-S-Tacky.

Yes, the women’s uniforms tend to be tighter and more form fitting in almost every sport (except men’s diving – hello, itsy bitsy teen weenies). But if you’ve got the muscles, I say, flaunt them. Flaunt the hell out of them – especially in a tank top. I say tank tops and beautiful biceps are the peanut butter and jelly of the Olympics. But don’t take my word for it. Trust the U.S. Women’s field hockey team instead. Still not convinced? Here are some more athletes proving my theory. For science.

Magdalena Fularczyk-Kozlowska & Natalia Madaj, Poland

The gold-winning women’s double sculls team flashes the guns.

Sinead Lynch & Claire Lambe, Ireland

While they may not have won a medal in lightweight women’s double sculls, they did win the gun show.

Michelle Carter, USA

It took her very last throw to beat a two-time Olympic champion on her way to becoming the first U.S. woman ever to win a gold for shot put.

Rebekah Tiler, Great Britain

This 17-year-old lifted 227kg, which is even more impressive when I convert it for all of us non-metric dummies to 500.449 pounds.

Mira Potkonen, Finland, & Adriana Araujo, Brazil

Women’s boxing is still underway. So, you know, plan your viewing accordingly.

Simone Manuel, USA

Swimming, however, is now over. And while everyone was excited about Katie Ledecky and some guy named Michael, my most exciting swimming moment was Simone’s 100m freestyle win. Also, don’t worry, a swimsuit is just a tank top that doesn’t know when to quit.

Brittney Griner, USA, & Laura Nicholls, Spain

I haven’t caught a single women’s basketball game so far, which makes me feel like a terrible lesbian. I’ll make up for that this week.

Jane-Anne Claxton, Australia, & Alex Danson, Great Britain

I have caught some field hockey. I gotta confess, watching all that stooping makes my back hurt.

Elaine Thompson, Jamaica

World’s. Fastest. Woman.

Team USA, field hockey

Well, I wanted you to appreciate their biceps from the back as well.

Women’s Heptathlon, The World

What? Abs were starting to feel ignored.